We Could Have Had It All
by rae of sunshinexx
Summary: "I'm having an affair." A collection of one shots, all based off of the same starting point.
1. I Gave You My All

**I Gave You My All**

His words echoed in her ears, the smell of his cologne still surounding her as she laid wrapped in the foreign arms of another. She'd lied to herself for months, saying she belonged in these arms. But she couldn't convince herself that she was right.

-Flashback-

"_I want you to leave him," he whispered, the arms she loved so much wrapped possessively around her waist._

"_I want you to myself. No more sharing, not now."_

-End Flashback

The bitter taste of self-hatred slipped down her throat as she swallowed nervously, playing with her fingers.

Her eyes were fixated on the wall, trying to find some bit of strength.

"I'm having an affair," she said softly, unmoving as she spoke.

The sudden coldness of his abandonment swam around her, leaving Rachel lying alone in their bed. She'd played the part of adoring girlfriend to him for much too long. She was done with her role of the future Mrs. Hudson.

"What the Hell, Rachel?" his voice echoed throughout the barren walls, Rachel never having the heart to decorate a home that wasn't hers.

She refused to look at him still staring at the wall in front of her.

"How long?"

"Summer of senior year."

"Jesus Christ!" He screamed, Rachel wincing slightly. "Three fucking years, Rachel?"

She could only nod to him. It probably would have gone on longer if they hadn't been careless.

"How could you do this to me? To us?"

"Just as simply as you slept with Quinn. You think I didn't know you were sleeping with someone when I continued to play the 'virgin' card on you? It only took me a second to figure out with who." She turned to face him completely, sitting up on their bed.

"Then why stay with me all these years? Why take my ring?"

"Because sometimes you just need a safety blanket."

And she didn't hear another word, only the slam of the front door.

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

The water poured down on her as she stood outside of his apartment building. The courage she'd had with Finn was gone now as she stood on 52nd street, the doorman smiling to her knowingly as she got into the elevator to the ninth floor,.

"Rachel?" he said as he looked around, ushering her inside quickly as he took in her soaking wet appearance. "What are you doing? You know this isn't good-"

"I told Finn."

They were both silent, Rachel trying to analyze his reaction. "He doesn't know it was you. Just that it's been since high school."

"I wouldn't care if he did know it was me. Bad press isn't my main concern," he muttered. "He could have hit you."

"But he didn't," she said simply, looking at him and feeling significantly smaller under his gaze.

"Better get you dried off. You can't get sick," he said, moving into his bedroom and turning on the bath. "You better get warmed up first."

"I never pegged you for the over-protective type," she said with a renewed lightness to her voice. And his smile only brought one upon her own face.

"Well, there's a first time for everything, obviously. If our current situation proves anything, it is that everything is in the realm of possibility." If she wasn't so confused about her life at that current moment, Rachel would have laughed.

"Well, go on, get in the tub. I'll go put on some tea for you or-"

"Jess," she called out as he started to leave the bathroom, turning around to look at her. "Please don't leave me alone."

He just simply nodded to her, moving to help her rid herself of her wet clothing before taking off his own and following her into the bath.

At nineteen, Rachel found herself pregnant and completely lost in her life, but at least she wasn't alone.

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

"Do you regret any of it?" he had asked her later that night when they laid in his bed together, his arms tightly wrapped around her.

She was silent for a few moments, her head resting against his bare chest. "No, because then I wouldn't have either of you," she said simply, moving his hand to rest upon her stomach. "If I hadn't been alone and miserable in my relationship with Finn, I wouldn't have gotten over my fear of letting you back in. So no, I don't regret anything because this moment, right now, is the happiest I've ever been."

**Well, that's the first chapter to my St. Berry series of one-shots. This is kind of the chapter to set up where they both are and what not. I may do a flashback chapter later on explaining how they got there. Tell me what you think? I should have the next chapter up shortly. **


	2. I'm Going Your Way

**I'm Going Your Way**

"Rachel, please stop screaming. It isn't good for her."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before releasing all this to the press! I just knew he'd say something. Even if he isn't the brightest, he's not stupid."

She'd been yelling for the last hour and it took everything in Jesse's power not to snap back at her.

"Rach, I told the press two months ago because I had to. It would have been that much worse if I didn't. And Finn came out with the truth out of spite of his own loss. It had nothing to do with her," he said calmly as he moved to place a hand to Rachel's visibly rounded stomach.

When he saw the tears in her eyes, he knew instantly that he was in for a night of comforting her and watching _Breakfast At Tiffany's_. But he then realized that he almost didn't mind.

"But what if she finds these articles when she's older? What if she knows that her famous daddy wasn't married to mommy when she got pregnant?"

"Then she'll know the truth," he said with a shrug, watching as the tears began to fall down her cheeks. "And then we'll explain that it doesn't matter that she wasn't planned or that we weren't married because neither changes how much we love her."

The pads of his thumbs gently wiped the tears from her eyes, looking to her with a sigh. "I don't want to marry you right now," he said and as soon as he saw her eyes glistening with fresh tears, he regretted his word choice. "Not because I don't love you but because I want it to be perfect. I want you to feel beautiful and I know, despite how many times I tell you that you're gorgeous, you won't feel that way seven months pregnant."

She managed to nod to him, trying to give him a smile but knowing it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Can I ask you something?"

When he nodded to her, she let her gaze fall to the ground. "If I had left Finn and wasn't pregnant, would you still be with me?"

It had been her greatest fear, the reason behind her staying with Finn for as long as she did. "I don't want to get hurt again," she whispered in a voice so small that it broke his heart.

"I didn't wait for three years for nothing," he muttered as he placed his hand upon her cheek, softly caressing it with his thumb. "I realized my mistake in letting you go all of those years ago and even if we weren't having the baby, I'd still wait for you."

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

Just as Rachel had thought, the press was relentless. Most of them questioned just how Jesse St. James, the movie star, could be so careless. Only a few wanted to know the whole story.

"I want you to do an interview with one of them," she said one night when they sat down for dinner, Jesse raising his eyebrows at her.

"You think that's a good idea? You read what some of them were saying, Rach."

"I know but we deserve to give our side. It is really a sad love story when you think about it. Young girl gets her heart broken by the boy of her dreams for him to come back for her when it was too late," she said with a shrug, leaving out the bit about her being afraid to let him back in.

She heard Jesse sigh before her eyes met his, shaking his head slightly. "Fine," he mumbled. "I'll do it. If not for us, then for her. I don't want her to think we agreed with them."

Rachel couldn't help the smile that broke across her face as she smiled to him.

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

They'd decided to name her Holly after countless nights of Rachel insisting they watch _Breakfast At Tiffany's_. She kept telling him that when she was with Finn, she felt like she was in a cage, like Holly Golightly thought she would feel like. Like she was trapped and couldn't find a way out until the baby. So, she became Holly.

"But I think it'd be cute. Pay homage to her namesake," she said matter-of-factly as they stood in the baby section of IKEA. "It would be cute. We can hang it over her crib."

They were standing in front of a painting of Audrey Hepburn standing in the window of Tiffany's, Rachel insisting that it was absolutely necessary that they buy it.

"Whatever you want then," he said with a laugh, knowing it was easiest to get her whatever her heart desired.

"Good," she muttered as she leaned up on the tips of her toes to lightly peck his lips.

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

"_Moon River, wider than a mile, I'm crossing you in style someday," _he sang softly to her as she laid in his arms later that night.

"_Oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker, wherever you're going, I'm going your way,"_ she sang in return, turning to look at him.

"I got a role," he whispered, afraid of how she'd take it. "It's Roger in the revival."

He knew she resented him, however slightly, for her inability to audition for shows. But he had to continue working. "That's wonderful, Jess," she said with what he hoped was a genuine brightness to her voice.

"They know all about Holly and know I'll have to take time off but it is still in the early stages of production," he muttered.

"It's fine. It's what you always wanted, isn't it? _Rent?_ It's beyond amazing, Jess."

He nodded to her silently, sighing. "You'll be Eva on day. I'll make sure of it, Rachel."

"This is about you, don't worry about me," she whispered, kissing him sweetly as she pulled him as close to her as she could.

"I promised you I'd make all your dreams come true that day in the ballet studio and I plan on sticking by my word, Rachel. You will sing _Don't Cry For Me, Argentina and I will be there in the front row with Holly watching you," he was gazing at her with such intensity that Rachel wouldn't help the tears that filled her eyes._

_Taking his hand in hers, she entwined their fingers, squeezing his hand softly._

"_I love you," she whispered, watching as his eyes crinkled in the corners with his smile._

"_And I love you," he said just as softly, kissing her with just as much adoration. _


	3. There's Only Us, There's Only This

**There's Only Us, There's Only This**

"You're going flat."

"Rachel, I am not going flat."

"You're the one who told me to tell you the truth."

"I think Holly is messing with your ability to hear pitch," he muttered, not expecting to get the pillow she'd been lying on thrown at him.

"She is doing no such thing. You are just not on pitch for Roger."

"And maybe asking you for your opinion was a bad idea because you seem to be extremely critical today."

"Well, the next time you ask for an honest opinion, do not expect me to kiss your ass and _lie _to you," she exclaimed, giving him a look as she stood from the bed and left their bedroom. "Maybe you can get one of your little fan girls to inflate your ego even more. I'm just trying to help your career out by aiding in the correction of your flaws,' she muttered, throwing herself down onto the couch as she turned on the television.

"You are serious right now?" he asked, moving after her and standing with his arms crossed at his chest.

Rachel sat with her hand rested on her stomach, looking at him with her eyebrows raised. "Yes, I am being serious right now."

She heard him scoff, but she turned her attention back to the movie that she found on television and completely ignored his brooding self.

"Child," he mumbled and Rachel couldn't help herself as she burst out laughing, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bruise that pretty little ego of yours. The next time you ask for my opinion, I will make sure to tell you that you are the absolute best in everything you do," she teased, speaking in a sing-song voice as she looked to him with a brilliant smile.

"Oh don't be coy with me, Rachel. You know as well as I do that you were only saying those things because you're angry that my dreams continue to come true while you're trapped."

Rachel knew better than to take his words seriously, that he was hurt and just saying whatever came to mind. That didn't mean his words didn't sting.

"You really think I feel that way? That I regret Holly and us because they're holding me back?"

His voice was soft as he spoke, cracking ever so slightly, giving his true emotions away. "Sometimes, yeah."

Rachel felt the familiar sting of tears filling her eyes as she stood up, sorming out of the room and slamming their bedroom door shut behind her.

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJR-

Whenever the two of them were angry with each other, it usually took days before they'd speak civilly once more. Rachel was just as stubborn as he was, but after the third night of them eating in silence, she finally snapped.

"I am jealous of you, alright? I'm angry over the fact that you don't have to gain weight, you don't have to go through pain yet you get Holly and you get to still live your life."

Jesse was silent for a few moments, his eyebrow raised as he kept his eyes on the plate before him.

"I don't regret you or Holly but I just want my chance too."

"And you'll get it," he muttered, watching as Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm serious Rachel. Once Holly is born and you're back to normal, you have a role. It's in the chorus, but it's a role. I talked to the director and gave him a tape of you singing. He knows you can't have that demanding of a role because of the baby, so he's agreed to let you be in the chorus until you can audition for a lead," he spoke evenly looking up at her. "I was planning on waiting to tell you on your birthday."

Rachel couldn't help the strangled sob that escaped her lips as she moved towards him, throwing her arms around his neck. "You did that for me?" she asked, feeling him nod.

"I couldn't give up my dreams but I couldn't lose you in the process. You're more important than fame, remember?"

-RJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

The shooting pain that coursed through her forced her to sit up quickly. She began to shake Jesse relentlessly, looking down to the wet sheets with wide eyes.

"What is it?" he asked, his voiced groggy with just having been woken up.

"Jesse, she's coming," she said with a slight laugh, her hand upon her stomach.

When the pain from her first contraction began to subside, she looked over to Jesse. "We have to get to the hospital." He couldn't help but chuckle softly as he looked to her.

"Rach, we're supposed to wait until they are a minute apart."

"Jesse St. James, _we _are not waiting. _I am in pain and I do not care what the Hell we're meant to do. Just get me to the damn hospital."_


End file.
